I said 'yes' last August 29 after a few heart aches, heart breaks and times of serious self-doubt. Being a 29 year old unmarried woman in India, where it is common for even college educated women to marry as young as 21, right after under graduation, it definitely not a comfortable situation to put it plainly. The cross-questioning and scrutiny one is subjected to by family, friends, colleagues and even the boss are nothing but daily stress interviews! Marriage is still viewed by most as the litmus test of one's standing as a human person, especially for women.
Not only does it matter, in the worldly view point, when one marries, but also who one marries-
Are they of good stock?
Do they look good?
Do they dress good?
Will their family look good next to ours in a photograph? (Funny, but i was actually asked to consider this by a well meaning family member)
Do they have wealth?
Do they have influence?
Do they have good education credentials?
Do they have a high paying professional job?
Do they fit my ambitions of an early house purchase or early retirement?
Some men even view their women in the following manner-
Will she tend to me, my house and my kids so i can solely focus in my career?
And on and on.
And thus, above are the utterly flimsy grounds on which most people choose life partners. And alas! The sky rocketing divorce rates.
But worse, the growth of a Godless society.
I can understand if these ways of thinking came from a society which is pagan one like Hinduism in India. But again, often this is the thinking of traditional Catholics. Woe to them! Hence also the current state of the church, since as goes the family, so goes the church and society.
Choosing God above all else
Marriage is one area by the grace of God, I had to wait till i came to a place where i was very sure I wanted only God's will, nothing else and nothing less. I always wanted the certainty in my heart about who I said yes to, no compromises and no worldly pressure. And the only reason i wanted to marry was to glorify God in my married life.
This was not always the case. In my teenage, i did cherish worldly notions and hence invested my time and energy in Godless relationships till the futility of it, the heartbreak of it and restlessness in my heart overwhelmed me. Thats when i embarked on pursuing God wholly and solely. And i found that peace which Jesus promised, which is not as the world gives. My heart indeed rested, only when it started to pursue Him relentlessly. Since God's love for me (and you) surpasses any love we can ever have for Him or any other, i was quickly drawn into His heart and have found my sole consolation since there in.
Allowing His purgative love
God had to purify me first of my worldly ideas of marriage and worldly criteria for partner selection such as -
I want him to have grown up in a metropolitan like me,
I want him to be in Chennai etc.
I realized, these in themselves won't make a difference to how good my marriage would be. But rather , i came to firmly believe that having a shared faith, being rooted in Christ and His Catholic Church were simply indispensable.
I also understood that no two imperfect individuals , and we all are imperfect, are ever going to live in perfect harmony. Nay, the reality is, there will always be vehement and seemly irreconcilable disagreements in every marriage.
So how can people reconcile this if they don't have the same divine judge that they differ their disputes to?
I truly believed back when I was single that if me and my future partner could not agree to put God at the center of our Universe, allowing what God thinks to guide our decisions, actions, affections, love life, finances, everything, we are certain to be unhappy.
As I make this reflection in preparation for our first wedding anniversary, with a little fruit of the womb growing inside, I am so glad for all those people of faith who encouraged me to stay steadfast and not succumb to pressure to make a marriage of convenience as so many people so often do whether in the faith or outside of it.
The worst kind are the self-proclaimed "renewed" Christians who really feed their own desires and label it "following God's will" . At least the worldly ones who do just the same as these, dont make such hypocritical claims. I really only feel sorry for such since what they reap is what they will get. If we sow dishonesty in ourselves, we will only reap discord in our relationship.
A 3 person marriage- Man, Woman and God
With God, I experience this deep understanding and unity in our marriage, which no amount of clever handling or psychology can have helped us achieve. Even in our extremely diverse upbringing, we are able to see eye to eye on key issues- like maybe the importance of reverence in conduct.
We both abhor the irreverence in the Novus Ordo mass. I always went to Novus Ordo but study and experience of the reverent alternatives lead me to see how badly abused it is across rest of the majority of Catholic parishes in India and abroad. My husband grew up in the Syro Malabar rite and that helps him see how irreverent the Latin Novus Ordo mass is.
He can straight away nod his head when I say something like "oh no, that jolly tune for a sober hymn like 'Lord have mercy' is so absurd." Gee, there are very few people in the Catholic Church that I can talk these sorts of things with. Of all the people, its my God given companion who 'gets it' the most! How blessed I feel for that, you can have an idea only if your in my head !
But deeper than these instances of unity in understanding is the will to resolve conflict in a Christian way. Both of us, are strict about not receiving communion sacrilegiously.
Both of us view our Catholic marriage for what it is- a sacrament- and draw on His grace that is made available to us to live a life pleasing to Him in our vocation.
Hence this helps us seriously work on avoiding these mortal offences against God that we so easily do especially when we intentionally hurt each other through words and actions. And it also allows us to grow in the graces made available through sacraments of confession and Holy Eucharist.
Word to the Wise
So my dear girls and boys, who are discerning for a life partner or who are still very young with raging hormones drawing you to this or that friend of the opposite sex, on this feast day of St Augustine, once the worst among us sinners who converted in his 40s and went on to become the greatest among the doctors of the church, let us look to him for wisdom. Learn to love first the Divine beauty whom St Augustine loved- God.
Trust me- dont waste your time pursuing a human person or worrying about all of the worldly criteria for partner selection listed in the beginning. You need to do only one thing- Seek the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength. Seek first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added to you.
Trust me- dont waste your time pursuing a human person or worrying about all of the worldly criteria for partner selection listed in the beginning. You need to do only one thing- Seek the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength. Seek first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added to you.
You can do this seeking in many ways. Go for daily mass, pray for at least 15 mins everyday, say the Rosary daily, spend time adoring Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament, read scripture, read the Catechism of Catholic Church, read books written by saints of Catholic church, make daily resolutions to perform corporeal and spiritual acts of mercy etc.
Since a community is very important for a Christian to grow in faith and stay rooted, consider joining good Catholic fellowships like JY or CFC- singles or even your parish youth group if its is good and actually focused on growing in holiness (sad to say most are not these days as they also forget to honour God and focus on just activities).
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