Till about 2 years back, I see myself as living life as one swimming in the middle of a deep blue ocean. Refer attached illustration. My focus was on survival and life's direction based on other people who were also swimming. I hated the lack of a clear purpose/ destination for all the relentless swimming/living. Through the education system of school and college, secular friends and popular media (movies, fictional books, music), I was made to understand that to be the best in all I do and being successful in terms of a huge take home salary, lots of real estate property were the ultimate goals in life. Yet, I could not be motivated enough by these goals. I misunderstood my lukewarmness to achieving these goals to have arisen from my "Laziness". My entire energy was invested in overcoming this lukewarmness to money and fame.
Sunday Catechism and religious beliefs in my family made me aware of this Submarine called INRI JESUS. However, I didn't quite get on board the Submarine ,make following Christ my entire way of being, but would just go to church and pray for food, clothing, test marks and other blessings.
Foolish as it sounds, I could not choose riding in the Submarine over swimming! This was primarily due to the twin barriers of Intellectual pride ( which drowned out the direction given by the holy spirit from within) and insecurities (which made me mistrustful of complete faith in God by abandonment).
Finally about two years ago, I went through a time of great emotional manipulation and brokenness which happened due to my spiritual blindness and lack of a spiritual stronghold. I was vanquished and could swim no longer.
With many tears and no strength, I turned on my back and faced the heavens. "Help me, pick me up" I prayed. Thus God the captain snatched me up. He brought me on board the Submarine and I could finally stop struggling in the ocean. Through daily mass, daily rosary, adoration, bible study and good Christian companionship, I became restful, joyful. I could now strengthen myself. I could fortify myself (and still am) so that my emotions would never be wrongly invested in anything that would draw me away from the core of my being .I.e. God.
Out of this joy, peace and self-acceptance, I can see the transformation in the use of my talents of voice, speech, writing and camradier. People around me have told me that they can sense and feel the positive change. My singing has become inspirational, my blog writings inspired and my relationships positive.
I feel comfortable now in my own skin. And I finally can accept my life's goal with Zeal.I.e. To Glorify God with my living- be it simple or action packed, as he wills it.
But the greatest grace I v recieved by making Christ the center of my life is this-to be focused on the big picture of Godly living which enables me to be joyous, beautiful and open to receiving the bumper blessings God has in store for me.
Thus all the good I was created to do would never again be on hold for long because I was emotionally messed up. I know I will always resurge on the strength of my Lord who is my life, my hope, my refuge.
If I were a song, I would be 'Jesus is the joy of living'.
If I were a psalm I would be 'Psalm 119'.