These past few months have been a roller coaster in my faith journey. I began experiencing the spiritual dryness that countless saints and elders have warned me about. I wanted to worship but I couldn't. I wanted to pray but I didn't. I felt so disappointed with myself. Friends think I m too religious and I think I m too unfaithful (to God). It was all getting too much. So then I decided to just do as I always loved to sing - all to Jesus I surrender.
I began to surrender every little happening in my life. Every tricky situation, every awkward conversation with friends, colleagues and family. And He breathed life, love and happiness into each and every of those dreaded moments. Those moments that would epitomize failure and disappointment to me, He drew out peace and joy out of those too. I began to rollick in the ocean of His mercy. I renewed my devotion to the Divine Mercy with Chaplet recitals at 3 o clock (mostly pm, at times am).
As an example was a recent target at work. I couldn't seem to crack it. My boss breathing down my neck but it remained depressingly elusive. So much self doubt crept in. "You ll never do it", whispered satan in my ears. He brought back memories of failure from childhood past. Would this also be among the failures?
But God brought me consolation through the word of God and through countless seemingly random sources, even secular sources. To assure me that all I need is to keep my gaze fixed on Him. Because only He matters from infinity to infinity.
Isaiah 29-31 He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like Eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.
So I surrendered. I said God,"Jesus Lord, for your glory and only for your glory, help me get through this anguish of not achieving". I begged Him through the Divine Mercy chaplet to give me a changed heart to want His and only His will. God fulfills the desires of our heart and He began working almost instantaneously after I surrendered.
Suddenly there was training organized at work. That really equipped me with a new strategy for the task at hand. Next He lined up the perfect lead (think: business development jargon) and a perfect context that would help convert that lead. Then for a whole month, He tested my patience, my trust. Taught me that the only thing I should be concerned about doing is His will nothing else, nothing less. Don't have to worry about outcomes. Don't have to worry about 'achievement' in the eyes of the world. That belongs to God. During that waiting period I lifted this intention up at several masses. And there came a day when I truly and fully gasped the prayer almost out of breath in my interior self.
An lo behold, miracle of miracles, it was granted unto me the very next morning. My boss, super boss, super super boss all poured in congratulations. I knew straight away what I was to do. Glorify Him for all to hear the truth. Of course many colleagues found it strange that I would praise God for the conversion, but I know the truth and only the truth can set us all free. So I continued speaking to all who congratulated me that this was all God's grace.
Definitely not my endeavour. Only by grace can we enter, only by grace can we stand.