My previous post reflecting on marriage was on the ocassion of our first wedding anniversary. You can read it here.
An extra special date
And this is not coincidence but Godincidence because i had made a pilgrimage to both Velankanni and the tomb of St Euphrasia in Thrissur , seeking their intercession to find my bride groom , just few months before i met and married my husband.
Dec 21, 2017 at Velankanni
Dec 31, 2017 at Thrissur
Blessed be God also that me and my spouse were able to go offer thanksgiving at Velankanni immediately after our marriage.
Sep 5, 2018
With our friend Fr. James Rosario at Velankanni
A lifelong desire
As is the case of most girls, i had romantic dreams about meeting and settling with my prince charming since at least adolecense or maybe its better stated, since i can remember. So this quest for my bride groom is not restricted to a few years but a lifetime. Yet i had to wait a really long time, till i turned 30 infact, to be married. In the mean time, i had to learn to love and be loved by my heavenly bride groom. Then, in the close to 2 dozen proposals i had recieved in my lifetime, most through matrimony websites and others through aquaintances and friendships, I had to resist the temptation to make a wordly alliance. I not only had to face rejection on a few occasions but also be the one to reject. These things are not easy when you go through them. But God used these moments of pain to refine me. It allowed me time to know Catholic teaching on love and marriage, to ponder deeply in my heart what marriage is, to identify and start to develop at least some of the perspective/habits i need and to decide what to look for in my prospective spouse to help us both journey to heaven.
For example, I was sure i couldnt be married to an effemanate man. My definition of effemanate also matured from merely one who has lady like mannerisms to more concretely, someone who has an effemnate mindset as to require /demand that his wife work to support the family along with him. So i made sure i never courted men who laid such conditions and was sure to tell my now husband that i would not be working outside the home after the birth of our first child unless grave circumstances necessated it.
I remember in the early days once when i went to meet a prospective groom, i actually had the book "ABCs of finding a good husband" on hand in order to refer to the marital inventory that was in there. By the time i met my husband, i had narrowed my pre-conditions to 2 points- God centered family and no working outside the home after birth of children. And with just one phone call, God put this desire in my heart for matrimony with him that simply wasnt there in any of the previous proposals. Earlier there was confusion and misgivings. Now, there was holy attraction and peace. Of course in my weakness, there were couple of moments during our courtship where i doubted but God helped me pull through.
No fairytale marriage
Our marriage is by no means perfect. We are two sinnful people who struggle with all the capital sins ( pride, anger, lust, envy, sloth, avarice and gluttony) as well as selfishness, self-righteousness and an unwillingness to suffer. We are more often than not self absorbed, callous, judgemental, ready to find fault. And we fight, often sinfully.
So what makes our marriage better than just any marriage contracted with no discernment with Christ? How is this way better from the methods of Ted in the popular sitcom "How i met your mother" who had multiple live in relationships and heart breaks ? For one, when we engage in an unchaste relationship, it causes emotional, physical and spiritual havoc. By exercising chastity, we save ourselves lot of hurt and keep our soul safe.
Then, we find that our personal weakness and strengths are mutually complimentary. Its impossible to know ahead ,by human effort alone, this type of thing. I believe it is an unmerited gift from waiting on and trusting in God. I feel like i v never met a man who can understand me, celebrate my strengths and forgive my faults as much as my husband. This knowledge helps me have a natural love and respect for him which definetly sweetens our married life.
What makes our marriage worth the struggle is each of our willingness to repent and cooperate with God's grace to become better. We both know absolutely that we are meant to become holy together in our family life and so we strive. This is not a small thing. Marriages which are living hell are not so because people fight but because people refuse to acknowledge their transgressions and make amends. We Catholics have the healing sacrament of confession which habituates us to an attitude of repentance and resolution. So it counts, to marry someone who knows and loves their Catholic faith even though we are all, irrespective of our religious beliefs, sinners. Personally i can testify, living a scaramental life with mass as often as possible and weekly confessions has been the secret ingredient that helps us to forgive , become better together and to grow in love.
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